…but not the second week.

Well, I’m afraid when 16 weeks of material is packed into 2 weeks, it’s a bit more than I can handle. I’ll be withdrawing from the program on Monday. That will allow me to avoid having to pay tuition (and loans, since they’ve not been dispersed yet).

Am I bummed about this? Mmm…actually, I’m kind of relieved. I did have reasons for wanting to get out of the teaching field, and this program reminded me of that. It’s incredibly busy work to be a teacher. And while teaching seemed like it would allow me to have a life I wanted (with the ability to travel back to Japan and other countries, have a job that’s rewarding and secure, etc.), I think it was more of a cool idea, but not what I needed.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I feel like I’m consciously and unconsciously moving in a direction that will suit what I need rather than what I want. I’m tired of doing things for myself. And I can’t focus on too many things at once.

Anyway, I’ve kind of been reeling today, but I am already looking at other options. Looks like I may have some on the horizon. We’ll see. All I know is everything before now has lead me to where I am, so I have no regrets about anything. And I know that I will find where I belong.

I’ll write again when I can.

Survived the first week

Wanted to write this over the weekend, but had a lot of studying. This teaching program is, indeed, intense. My early assessment of last week was that I’d need to drop out of the program altogether. I was going to meet with the instructors last Friday to discuss that option, but had a chiropractor appointment. So I had to wait until yesterday.

But that was kind of lucky because, a) that chiropractic appointment went very well (probably the best chiro I’ve had yet) and b) postponing the meeting til Monday gave me the weekend to take a step back and consider my options. And, well, I really like it here in Lacey. Plus, I’ve put in a lot of time and money to get this far. And I was thinking how I really like the group of trainees in the program. I don’t want to leave.

So by the time Monday came around, I’d pretty much already decided that I’m staying. And come to find out everyone else is hurting in this course, too. So it’s not just me. Might as well stick it out.

The weekend gave me time, also, to rethink how I’m going to study, and thought back to my college days and the techniques and strategies I used to get through that.

So, yeah. I’ll try to write again when I can, but I doubt I can do much more than one post a week, if that. Until next time.

The time has come

The long-awaited time has finally come. Tomorrow is the first day of the teaching program. Hard to believe I made it this far. But tomorrow is just the beginning.

I’ll try to keep my blog updated as best I can.

Is there a way to get what you want without being selfish?

I don’t feel like I've always done things for myself. I've just done the things I've wanted because I was in the position to be able to do so. At least I think so. I know I said the opposite before, that I deliberately kept myself in the position of being able to do what I wanted. But I don’t know anymore. It seems like circular reasoning.

I’ve always marveled at people who were in relationships when they said that they couldn’t pursue certain aspirations out of consideration for their significant other. I marveled because that’s never been a way I’ve had to think.

“Had to”?

I considered that it would be nice to live for someone other than myself. This was 6-7 years ago that I thought about this.

So now I wonder, am I single because I’m selfish or am I selfish because I’m single?

I’m not even sure if I really am selfish, but I feel like it sometimes.

But, you know, even those people in relationships I marveled at had their limits. They couldn’t always put their significant others before themselves (and yet, we’re so harsh when people have the audacity to think about themselves at times).

And I think that some people who always put others before themselves could stand to be a little more selfish to balance things out.

Can I turn this around on myself? Could I be selfless to balance myself out? It’s just, I feel like I have been and it hasn’t panned out.

Honesty and emotional attachment

There is an inverse relationship between honesty and emotional attachment. The more emotionally attached you are to someone, the less honest you are, because your desire to be honest is replaced with your desire not to hurt feelings.

Because there’s the fear that if you’re too honest, you could loose the one you’re emotionally attached to. The less emotional attachment there is to a person, the less fear there is of loosing that person, and therefore, the more honest you are.

But the inverse relationship between honesty and emotional attachment can become a direct relationship if honesty is on a timed release. That is to say, you can be more honest after enough emotional attachment has been accumulated over time.

Amy Winehouse (my new fav)

Ok, I had to put this post before I went to bed. Having been overseas the better part of four years and living under a rock for the past year (at least musically), I had finally decided to put my mp3s aside and listen to the radio, since that’s the only way I was going to hear anything new.

Actually, I mentioned this several posts ago. Said I was listening to The Mountain. Anyway, yeah. So, like, I’ve been listening to other stations, too, and came across a song called “You know I’m no good”. And I thought, “That’s pretty cool.”

Heard another song called, “Rehab” and… it was really good (didn’t realize it at the time, but it was the same artist) and I’m like, “Who is this?” So found out (most radio stations list songs currently playing on their websites) that it was a lady by the name of Amy Winehouse.

If you don’t already know Winehouse’s music, it has a real mo-town kind of feel for it. Not to say I’m that articulate in the genera. I’m sure I could be flaunting some ignorance in this post, but it really seems like Winehouse has taken a specific genera, and done something very original with it. It doesn’t just seem like a rehash of old 50s and 60s jazz. And what’s really cool about her music is how personal it is. And it seems quite effortless for her. Her band is amazing, too.

But I guess you can judge for yourself. Just do a google search for Amy Winehouse. It’ll turn up some links to youtube videos for “Rehab” and “You know I’m no good” or click these links below:

Rehab
You know I'm no good

Value Village, Fred Meyer, and Target

Yeah, I guess this is kind of a crappy title, but um, these were the shops (in this order) I went to so I could furnish my apartment. Mainly went to Value Village first because I was trying to make what money I have last until financial aid comes in. But it still seemed funny because I’ve moved into a brand new apartment. But I thought I’d at least check it out. I did find a good plate, bowl, spoon, and fork. But the other things I was looking for looked pretty cruddy.

So, it was on to Fred Meyer. I don’t know. Maybe it was because I’d just been to VV, but it seems like Fred Myer has become pretty posh. Didn’t sell many dishware items individually, so was good that I got those at VV (that’s not lingo, I just don’t want to write it out.) Got a pot and pan, spatula, etc. Then made a few trips back for food.

…Did I mention Fred Meyer is across the street from me? I’m walking distance to, like everywhere – the bus transit center, St. Martin’s (that’s where I’m doing the teaching program. Can’t remember if I’d mentioned that.), a potential high school I could end up teaching at, and shops. This is not coincidence. I scoped the area out before finding a place to live…

After I’d bought stuff at Fred Myer, I noticed a Target was nearby. So went there to get the remainder of stuff for my apartment (well, actually, I went to Office Depot, too, to get a desk and chair. The chair is nice, but the desk was hell to put together. I think I’m doing Ikea from here on out for that type of furniture.)

Target was quite decent. As I was walking though the aisles today, the song, “When I’m Back on My Feet Again” (that Michael Bolton song) and it just seemed appropriate. I’ve had those words in my thoughts for the past, like, year now. I just keep thinking of what I’ll be able to do once…well, once I’m back on my feet again.

But I also had thought off and on over the past year, what if I never get to that place I’m imagining? Like, what if I were never able to leave Tacoma and pursue something that was important to me? Could I be happy with it? I considered, when I had those thoughts, I had better be happy with nothing, especially if as much time as a year of my life could go by and I wasn’t going anywhere.

I’ve mentioned this before when I first got back from Taiwan. I have vision and drive to pursue something that’s off in the distance, but I have a harder time seeing what’s around me now. And I wonder, again, if I can change this about myself, or if I should learn to accept it. I’ve made decisions to keep myself from being stuck in the situations that others were in, but now it seems to me that I’ve become stuck anyway in the life I’m living.

Well, I kind of went in a different direction with this than I’d intended. I was primarily thinking of where (once I’m finally established) I’d want to shop on a regular basis. And what I’d want to own. I mean, I don’t want a lot of “things”. But only buying things I need…it doesn’t feel like I’m living. I mean, it doesn’t feel like…take for example this unfurnished apartment I’m in now…Having nothing in it saves me from having things I don’t need, but it also doesn’t feel like a home. I don’t know if I’m saying this clearly. It’s just something I was thinking about the past few days as I’m selecting things to put into the apartment. Between even the three stores mentioned in the title, I don’t know which store would have something that says, “This is me”.

Please note, I’m not talking about buying into consumerism. It’s something different. Anyway, I’m tired, and I want to put up one more post.

Hello, Lacey :)

< insert picture here >

Well, no picture yet, but apparently I do have wireless internet. I'm moved into my apartment...well, sort of. Not settled yet. I'm pretty tired, not so much from the move as I didn't have much to move, but from shuttling to the nearby stores to get food and things for my (unfurnished) apartment. So, I'll write more later, but for now, this serves to let you know that I made here safely.

Goodbye, Tacoma

Packing

Well, getting all my things together. Glad I didn't leave it all for the last night. This has been the last day of a three-day process. But it helps I don't have much to take with me.

If I have time, I'll post a final message before I leave.